You are entirely up to you

Having never experienced grief, anxiety or depression I felt like I had fallen into a deep ravine when I lost my mother and my world began to crumble around me.

I emotionally collapsed under the weight of my grief as the relentless domino effect from the loss of my mother manifested itself.

And one day, without warning, I physically collapsed and eventually came to, lying in a pathetic heap on my dressing room floor.

At the time I had a 6 month old, a toddler and 4 year old. And that alone caused me to panic. How could I allow myself to get in such a state, not just at that moment, but ever?

I questioned what kind of mother I was to my children.

I was going through the motions. Brushing my teeth, changing nappies, making meals, consoling my widowed father, but I was hollow.

And as I pulled myself to my feet that afternoon, I stared helplessly at my tear stained face in the mirror, barely recognising my own reflection; and I heard my Mother's staunch Scottish accent telling me to get my shit together (she was never one for feeling sorry for yourself) and it hit me in the guts.

Life had knocked me down. I was empty. I was in a hole that I just didn't have the strength to crawl out of.

But I HAD to.

Because if I sat in the dark any longer I may never find my way out, emotionally, spiritually, ever!

I thought of my husband, my 3 babies, my father, my friends and I felt a heavy obligation to pull myself together for them.

But more importantly, I needed to find myself again FOR ME.

And it wasn't easy.

But it started with that decision and the recognition that no matter what, I am entirely up to me.

No one could do or say anything that could save me. It was all up to me.

And it was the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. To choose me, to choose better.

And if I can do it, you can too.

Life is unpredictable. It will knock you off your feet and there will be days, weeks, even months you may not know how you'll navigate the mess.

But you can.

YOU ARE ALWAYS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU.